I recently read an article in the paper pertaining to purveyors of puppy's politely pushing people of a plastered persuasion, predisposed to purchasing a poodle, pug, pug-a-doodle, or any other precious prospective pet back out the entrance with a stubborn refusal to sell them "Man's Best Friend."
Which is, as being a current purchaser of a puppy under the influence (Me, stupid. Not the puppy), a fantastic idea. Owning a dog is a huge responsibility right up there with raising a child or negotiating your job, child, and canine commitments around a steadfast refusal to abandon alcoholism. I bought my dog off an internet website in May of 2010. I always wanted a beagle. Loved their personality and, to me, beagles are the embodiment of Dog (I'm sure all dog owners feel the same way about their dog, at least I hope they do.) The site had pictures of her at 4 weeks of age and God was she adorable! So I did my research. For 2 weeks, every night, I would go online and read up on everything about beagles. Their behavior, their needs, their history, intelligence, compatibility tests, EVERYTHING! Everything I read brought me closer to the conclusion that a beagle was the perfect companion for me! All I had to do was click "PURCHASE."
Sober, I may never have done it. But alas, I drink most nights so chances were this puppy would be mine whether or not a good idea it was...
Sometime around May 30th I found myself sitting in front of the computer, beer cans encroaching upon my monitor, a bit before 9 o'clock in the evening. Hand on mouse, slanted arrow circling the "CONFIRM" button, I had to think this through. Is this what I really wanted? Can I do this? Do I have the time to feed, walk, play, love, this beautiful baby bitch? And what the fuck? Who buys a dog off the god damn internet? I click this button and there goes a decent sum of money I may never see again. But look, there's pictures of celebrity's and the dogs they've purchased on this very site! How happy are they?!? It has to be legit, right? I mean, come on! Look at these photos!
Crack another beer...fuck it. Click!
Not 5 minutes later my cell phone rings. Oh fuck.
"Good evening Mr. Deuce! Congratulations on the newest member of your family! What airport would you prefer to receive her at?" What? No home delivery? But everything I order on the internet just magically shows up at my front door! No dick, she's coming from Ohio and she is a living creature. What have I done?
Fuck. Looks like I'm in this for the long haul. I clicked "CONFIRM," my money's gone and I doubt I'll ever see it again. Hey, still might get a puppy out of it...
Information exchanged. I psych myself up the following 2 weeks. Friends and loved ones express mixed emotions regarding my decision to introduce a dog into the household. Ranging from "Please tell me you're lying" to "That's fucking awesome!" Both prefaced with "Are you fucking kidding me???" Keeping up the positive outlook to all, I suffered trying to suppress my own doubts and reservations. After all, here's a decision I made without conferring with anybody else for the fear they would reject my proposal without consideration and leave me dejected, resentful and angry. Better to act first and ask other's opinions later when it comes to questionable matters of the heart, no?... I thought so too!
Waiting for her arrival, everyone present was waiting giddily apprehensive. We all saw the pictures by now. It was time to see the newest addition to our family! After given the run-a-round by airport security of where the fuck you pick up dogs arriving on planes, we found the debarkation station. Standing, waiting, anticipation turning to impatience, a cage finally rolls down the conveyor belt. Inside, oh inside...
The most precious, adorable, beautiful 8 week old beagle I have ever seen! Boy, did I ever make the right decision!!! I picked up the cage and took her outside. Cage in hand, my dad opens the door, takes her out, hugs her, and never let's go. The little one and I name her Daisy Lu while we walk through the parking garage. We got in the car and she slept the entire ride home.
Nowadays, she won't stop digging holes in my fucking backyard!
Point of the story (bit long, apologies) is that sometimes people need that little bit of alcohol to push them towards making great decisions in their lives. Especially us shy, timid, reclusive introverts. While I applaud pet store owners making it a practice to turn away stumbling drunks from committing a life altering acquisition, there are those of us who require a sip of liquid courage to help cross that Bridge of Uncertainty.
I guess, in summation, GOD BLESS THE INTERNET!
...and beer...and puppies. beer first though...
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